Peace That Stays

I’m 24, a newlywed, & in some moments, it feels like my life is finally falling into place.

My husband and I have just joined a healthy church. I can see God’s favor in the ways He uses me to help build His Kingdom. I have space in my life for rest — for Sabbath. I’m even getting to travel!

On the outside, things look great!

But sometimes, I find myself in deep sorrow, crying out for peace — and feeling nothing in return. Just silence. 

 I realize that while some parts of my life are “falling into place,” my mind quietly falls apart. My thoughts aren't  just heavy — they are out of alignment.

I can't find peace with certain circumstances. These days it's either  situational or a daily battle of the mind. This is where I feel certain thoughts are out of place. 

If I remember scripture correctly - there is a verse in 1 Peter that says “be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” 5:8

So to be aware of this is key for me.” Okay Calista”, I say to myself: “this is just the father of lies”

Sometimes i don't believe that God  actually hears my prayers.

 It could be the fact at times I have actively chosen a wrong path, disobeyed God - made terrible decisions. 

I start to think to myself: God wants nothing to do with me. I’m  a murder that hates the person who sits in the same service as me on sunday morning. The idea of forgiveness seems either too far or too vulnerable. Motivation is a fantasy but reality for what seems like everyone else. 

I could blame it all on “depression,”

but what I’ve walked through is more than just a clinical term.

For me, it has felt like a spiritual weight —

a kind of evil heaviness I stopped fighting somewhere along the way.

Or maybe worse — I’ve never really let God fight it for me.

I’m used to carrying things.
I carry guilt, insecurities, fears, &  bitterness —
not because I want to, but because it’s familiar.
So I carry and carry, until I can’t anymore.

Not only am  I drowning in my own battle,
but my husband — who has faced clinical depression, bipolar disorder & now a long drawn out manic episode is  struggling too.
We are currently both at our weakest.

Unfortunately, a  lot of people won't share when they are in this  war because they want to show others the beauty God brings from the ashes. But I'm sharing this now because I want others to know that  Christians struggle in their mental health too. Our challenges are neurological & spiritual. It's both. 

I remember the Scripture in Romans 12:2:
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

How do we renew something that feels broken beyond repair?

I don't have a beautiful answer.
I don't  feel transformed..yet.
But I am being honest.
And I cry out.

Did you catch the shift? I talk to the God who knows my future. I talk to the God who has a plan for my life. That is how to remember the peace that stays. By remembering God. 

He is our ultimate peace. “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” - Romans 8:6 esv 

And I believe that’s where it started — not with strength,
but with surrender.
Not with a polished prayer,
but with a messy one.

This testimony isn’t about a perfect ending..because believe me im still crying out.
It’s about a real God who meets us in the middle.
In the mess. In weakness. In the night full of tears.

I’m still learning what it means to let go and let God fight for me.
To trust that peace doesn’t always come with a feeling —
Sometimes it comes with a decision to stay open.

And maybe, that’s where transformation begins.

Calista Moncada Rivers